"I love your list! Waylon has quite a body and he does always smells like coconut. Who doesn't love him? You know he is packin'...So right!
Jason and Barry are a genius tag team since between them they've sampled half the town and we know they is packin'. No one has mentioned Jason's voice or Barry's hands. Many ladies would mention those first. I know a gal who saved a voice mail from Jason for like a month so she could play it for her friends. And I hear Barry is down for some pretty kinky 9 1/2 Weeks fun..LOL WHVR Mickey Rourke was hot then..and Barry is quite good at it with his hands and an abnormally long tounger like Gene Simmons. Who are these tattoo people? I need some more deets & pictures but it sounds like they r hot. But r they packin'???? What MD are you talking about? The only one I know is more fairycake than beefcake. And he is not packin'.....
But my #1 beefcake choice is a certain triathlete who specializes in "caffeinated" beefcake. Great legs and a great smile! And packin'###111111"

-Ms. A

....as we sit and stare at the water we've decided to let a guest poster "J" reinterpret some Fred Vegas acronyms....too many Trader Bumble cocktails may reduce our posts......sigh.....



(F)ailing (A)lways (C)an't (O)fficially (C)oordinate



(F)uddyduddy (D)oldrums (D)eviance (C)orruption



(R)isky (E)gomanical (D)ull (A)-holes



(H)ysterical (F)umbling (F)eeling (I)nadequate



(D)ementia (R)heumatoid Arthritis (M)enopause (I)ncontinence



(V)ermin (R)ide (E)ndlessly



(C)urfew (H)arrassing (N)ever (A)ll on the same page

....so this afternoon we've had some movement in the Fred Vegas Beefcake Rankings....23 new noms...we think...but after some cocktails who really knows.....??? Beach is lovely wish you were here...not....

1. Waylon's still in the lead! Should we just call this thing or what???? But only 3 votes separate him from our silver and bronze medalists...and PS WHEN can we see this movie and photos...XXX only!!!!...we'll drink to that....still more raves about his "lickable coconut pecs" which is a phrase we're working into every conversation this weekend
2. Jason clearly has some RABID fans mixed with sympathy voters to bring him up a few spots. Again people we NEED the photo!! We love a man in a soccer uniform or swimsuit.....or Boy Scout outfit??!!???
3. Barry still shares fans with Jason to inch up to #3 with many requests for that menage we mentioned...heaven sandwich indeed...we hear there is a photo of a NAUGHTY Halloween Costume!!! YES!!!! And keep those dirty emails about Barry comin' in cause we smell a potential upset for Beefcake Champion....how many "sitting sessions" for this dude have ended in hot you know what????!!!
4. Tattoo Parlor Boyz....please people you have to give individual names 'cause we can't lump a group of six or seven people together!!! No matter how delicious they are!!!!
5. Good 'ol Amity has dropped a few spots....guess all of his fans went to the beach??????? No worries there is still time...never count a Beefcake Playboy MD out......

....and who knew self-righteous closet case doctors could be the WORST offenders? Go back to your faux wife and stop worrying about us. Besides this is one of the WORST kept secrets in town. After all didn't Rock Hudson have a baby at some point????

Dude we said we had your back. If your boss fires you that is ILLEGAL. You can sue him and take him for every penny. If that happens we expect a "thank you" because we've made you a very rich man. But you won't lose any friends because they ALL KNOW and COULD CARE LESS....bonus, your boyfriend though not our type was semi-hot with a nice car so you should be happy...our boyfriends are fat with greasy Chipotle uniforms and they drive 1982 Hondas so you should enjoy your life!!!! PS don't tell our BFs we're at the beach (don't hook up with them either)....he he he

Stop with the crocodile tears and go dance to some Judy. Oddly enough we hear she has some good impersonators in that other 'ville of yours........there are too many witnesses over too long a time for you to argue with us. Don't be a self-hater!!!!!

We are SO SICK of the self-righteous emails complaining about how this blog is so evil and mean spirited and blah blah blah. "Fredericksburg is not like this." OH REALLY??? (props to SNL...)Problem is we've become popular and a MUST READ and we started out as a small little operation so now that people read us and see THEMSELVES lampooned only then do we have a "problem." However when the shoe is on the other foot these same people are more than happy to write in and "pile on" their friends. In case you hadn't noticed we LOVE exposing NAKED HYPOCRISY. We're happy to print emails where you crap on your friends you fake annoying ignorant jerks so stop blaming us.

We are so sick of this. If you don't like it DON'T READ IT. Stop sending whiny emails and/or complain that we are "unfair," "no wonder we don't have friends" blah blah

PS people get POd because they now realize that we speak truths that were previously unspoken and we have a much wider reach than they once thought. If you behave aren't a hypocrite and don't engage in bad behavior you have nothing to worry about. THIS IS SATIRE PEOPLE. We know this can be a backwards town but CATCH A CLUE, puh-leeze!!!

Seriously you can't scare us and you'll only make us focus on you more. Don't be a reactionary hillbilly dumba#&%#sssssss!!!

Or we'll have to change the name to West VirginiaVegas Chronicles.....

...ooh the Blogmaster is POd!!! ....well girls don't be jealous but we just scored a hot beach invite and will now be away most of the MD weekend....jealous?....so here's a list of the noms so far (in order of who got the most). We'll ask for a final vote next week!!!!:

1. WORK it, Waylon "The Body" Gluten-free....20 noms.....The very definition of Fred Vegas beefcake? He works hard for it ladies, course it helps to have your own place to work out all day, and fellas don't hate. Bonus points for the "delicious lickable pecs that smell like coconut" and "superb quads." No wonder a reality show is being planned...hmmm......and this fella seems to have been with quite a few Fred Vegas femmes...a little of everyone in fact, wink wink...but with that body everyone wants a piece, yes? EVERYONE!!! Some ladies wrote in with great stories...we heard about an infamous date in the Richmond area, what sounded like a sexy time at the Verizon Center and a "horseback riding lesson" that sounded like a naughty Lifetime movie. We also hear that there are some pretty risque pictures and or movies floating around where that BEEFCAKE body is on full display...yum yum...we will conduct this "research" in good time...one pic was emailed to us, totally PG-13...which is no fun. Send us XXX or nothing at all! And don't lie you KNOW you got all cute to go work out at the gym for a "trial membership" when you heard he had broken up with a significant other. Would love to rest our head on that gorgeous hairy chest...just hope there isn't any 'roid rage....actually, with him we may not care...that proves his beefcake quotient....

2A. Kindofsortof TIE.....The Doctor is in the house...MDs in Fred Vegas sometimes = Beefcake Playboy, and "Dr. Amitty O'Gregarious" packed in 19 noms, probably because he has a massive house that he lives in all alone....and who wouldn't want to be a doctor's wife if you could have Beefcake Trophy, MD???? The site of many infamous Fred Vegas parties...we've heard stripper poles have been rented in the past as well as pleasure swings, and clothing is "extremely optional" in the pool and at his little hideaway beach house....we saw a picture of him that someone emailed from somewhere in Mexico and he looks FINE in a speedo (not bathing suit, speedo...that's saying something....) If you can get past the fact that he's drunk more often than he's sober, maybe he's the beefcake for you. Sorry but ladies have to think about that...drunk men are not the best "performers"..and we think his "MD" title is a bit of a stretch since he NEVER seems to work...oh well he's fun in the sack....

2B. TIE Pt II.....Random Large Collection of Fred Vegas Tattoo Artisans....total of 18 noms for Jack Brown, Sorry Mom and Brass Monkey and tatted hunks of El Old Time Grill-o & Happy Endings...so many votes came in...especially for "Alex" "Dom" "Rod" "Kenny" "Chance" "Kelley" and "Chad"...don't know these guys well but there is one on Princess Anne St who we met when we may or may not have had one to many and decided to get a unicorn tattooed on our "special place" (left side) and he had the class to talk us out of it....thought his name was "Trent"...ohh he was yummy about 7 feet tall and massive hands. A hug that swallows you whole. 'scuse us we need to take a break...wow, he was HANDSOME. Some of these fellas got more noms than others, so we'll need to narrow this list down before Monday....keep 'em coming

3. Manchurian Beefcake...Jason "Bentley" Bourne at 17 noms...he got some MAJOR sympathy votes 'cause some of you felt we've been too hard on our resident android assassin lately, but ladies we said we LIKE him. It's a compliment. We like distant androids that confuse you...will he make love to me or kill me??? Um, if we were insulting him we wouldn't compare him to Matt Damon or James Bond. But some of you clearly lust for this globe trotting mystery man (maybe you want the nice furniture???), and we've heard about soccer tournaments where two femmes "just wanted to lick his legs" and we hear someone has a picture from the 1990s (??? show us please) that shows our Jason by the river in a snug wet bathing suit looking tan and dreamy with some local skank who we automatically hate. HOLY MULTIPLE PARTNERS BATMAN!!! Too many exes in this town have nice things to say....we hear about a JUICY late night police stop back in the day DOWN BY THE RIVER involving our hero behind the wheel and his "bottomless" date trying to explain herself after one too many....naughty little Boy Scout!!!!....and others go ga-ga over "how he looks on a horse" especially "Wendy"...now that is the sign of true beefcake, when they can break your heart but you STILL love them..must have been some good lovin'....Five femmes LOVE his "Hugh Grant after sex bed head"....sadly many Fred Vegas beefcake hunks are follically challenged, but not our Jason...you just want to run your fingers through it. Extra bonus... he used to be a badass banker (wait, maybe you're all just GOLDDIGGING HOs!!!)...sh-t, in this economy a sexy banker is about the best score you can hope for.....hey honey, can you keep me safe from evil assassin Terminators AND make my money grow??? Yum...yum, god we love that bad ass m-fkr...PS so does the wife of a prominent Fred Vegas "owner".....

4. Artistic Sexual-"Harrisment" AKA "Barry" the Kid...14 noms....ironically, most people who voted for Jason Bourne also voted for dear Barry, the Pablo Picasso of Fred Vegas not because he paints women as disjointed odd African sex sculpture (hmm...but he could...) but because he gets SO MANY Fred Vegas women to strip off their clothes and dream about making sweet sweet love despite an odd and slightly clinically depressing color palette....and his marriage is well, who cares....he gets more *%^$% than any other artist we know, so he's not starving for anything. He is the unquestionable "GOD OF LIBERTY TOWN" in the word of "Alexis". But Fred Vegas femmes know his #1 ASSET and clearly adore his "crystalline glacier eyes that undress you" according to "Miss Vicky" and we hear this dude has had more three way action than ANYONE IN TOWN. Hey, "Donna" your email was so dirty we can't print any of it, but if what you wrote is true, I'll never think of the Fred Vegas Christmas Parade in the same way!!! Also, we hear from "Vivianne" about some very erotic art lessons back in the day at JMU, VCU and Germanna if memory serves...thanks also to "Karen". Wow, Barry you have some impressive scores on your resume ( a "Whos Who" of downtown)....we were surprised more artists didn't make the list, given their reputation for carnal lust and rolling around in paint, but the noms can still roll in through Monday....

******EXTRA MENAGE BONUS*********: You kinky femmes clearly coordinated your answers and said your "Fantasy Three Way" would be with Jason "Bentley" Bourne and "Barry" the Kid....wow, sign us up for that seminar at Liberty Town, or would that be at Walker Home??? since they have better beds. OUR KEYBOARD IS MELTING JUST AT THE VERY THOUGHT....but yo what would their wives think about this???? Who cares that is THE SEXIEST THING WE'VE HEARD!!! Big wet kiss at just the thought of that HEAVEN SANDWICH......oh my god

5. Hey professor, can we stay after class...."Pete Lawrence" at 10 noms is our after-school detention beefcake...."Rhonda" loved his "total look" and again we heard about the "gorgeous mop of hair"....we heard about infamous parties on Franklin Street where he seemed to impress more than one lady in more than one way..and my favorite quote in years, "Pete fulfills my Agatha Christie fantasy where he's Hercule Poirot to my Miss Marple"...that is sooooo funny...we also heard about some wild parties at the Third Floor...yes, a group of younger ladies are clearly VERY SMITTEN with Petey.....sucks for them that he has a solid marriage to a talented femme in her own right

6 A & B. Aerosmith and Rock of Love come to town.....Antonio de Hugenot and Jebediah Sparrow (sort of a tie, most people who wrote in about these two couldn't decide between them with 7 noms and 8 noms respectively): Lots of you Fred Vegas femmes are nothing more than straight up GROUPIES...get a couple of guys in a band and you're THERE. These two handsome devils light up any night out. They ooze laid back charm and their physical stature equals their musical talent. Plus, we hear Antonio used to be quite the "wild puppy" back in the day...we heard something about "Wintergreen weekends" and Jebediah is well acquainted with the "bathrooms at Bistro and Kenmore Pub"...

7. You might be a redneck if....three noms for "Ken Sawyer" who is more Jeff Foxworthy-Blue Collar TV than our normal taste but WHATEVER you know what he can BUILD WHATEVER YOU WANT just like that. Hell, he built his whole damn business from scratch and now he and his wife have the sexiest lounge in town perfect for a date with your favorite beefcake....So while we may not agree that he meets the physical requirements for beefcake several ladies think it's pretty damn cool that he could help around the house. Damn, in this economy that sure gets us HOT!!!!!

8. Carravaggio de Petite Alexander...two noms.....beefy and HE CAN COOK FOR YOU. Fred Vegas fems like how "he can come to your table and flirt all night"....

9. Another chef entry....Johnathan "Truheart" Cha Cha Cha...where is he lately...????.....one nom, mainly because they liked the idea of beefcake and piano bars "all at once"

10. Mr. "Serpico".....one nom....hmmm...love those instruments..........and "Doug" from a certain construction company here in town...we expected more construction noms, maybe they'll come in over the weekend????

Alright so that's the list. Don't like it? WRITE IN YOUR NOMS. Since we're at the beach and hope to find a weekend boyfriend(s) we won't shut this process off till Monday or Tuesday. Shout out fo yo fave beefcake!!!!

Have a GREAT weekend, wear SUNBLOCK!!!!

Big news!!!! About 30 people have written in regarding our beefcake contest and it's clear Fred Vegas loves their beefcake to sport some "kick-ass" tattoos...we've posted the clean ones, 2 out of about 10 related to tattoo love, but some of you femmes are writing in some nasty stuff that we can't print...it's a family blog he he....but WHOA the tattoos are getting some serious noms....and the ladies are showing how much they love it so keep it coming and we'll post our nomination list next week.

"Beefcake" is in the eye of the beholder..some names we read and we say WTF while others are more obvious....we want to keep it diverse....much love!!!

...it's early and our eyes are still blurry...but we read in the FLS that a local 66 year old man is accused of "fooling around" with his dog.....W.T.F!!!!!!
That poor German shepherd...what a crazy story...
...see all you people that write in disgusted 'cause you think we make stuff up....problem is Fred Vegas is full of BIZARRE but TRUE stories....our job is to give them a new angle...

On that note, enjoy you day. Leave your pets alone!

....another U Cafe review for you!

We broke our rule 'cause this one is funny and even though we think its by someone at THE GRILL (props to you all, we love you) we'll post it....this person/group seems to have written a lot in the blogosphere about U cafe lately....
So it is funny....

We're clearly getting under some skin out there judging by some emails especially Blind Items #4 and #13 from Monday...too close to home???...OK, so in the one case "newlywed" is a stretch (doesn't Emily Post say you can send a gift up to two years??) but we can't GIVE IT AWAY...paging Dr Carter???...clearly a lot more people are reading us.....well Fred Vegas, truth hurts etc. But a local blogger (who we like) wrote in to ask us about a disclaimer so we'll have to get Mr. Blogmaster's blessing to change anything...stay tuned.....

Thanks to "Adam" "Keri" "Toby" "John" "Mary" and "Dolly" we've stopped our press (& over TD'd our original post) to report there's more chaos in the downtown group everyone loves to hate..... Yes many groups fit that description here in Fred Vegas but this one devours its young and spits them out as hollow shells of their former selves..... This year alone it has claimed a bumper crop of victims, a veritable "Who's Who" of downtown establishments, including the hotshot upstarts Mr. & Mrs. "Rihanna" Tapas San Fernando Napa Valley, in charge of publicity, web content and blogging (hey, just like us) and NOW-we've just heard ladies and gentleman-our favorite Top Secret Abercrombie & Fitch Boy Scout Manchurian Candidate, Jason "Bentley" Bourne, who we heard resigned as President, throwing our city leadership into chaos (no, we're not making this up....we heard this actually generated news...seriously, who cares......WTF???). But you know what? The people that have resigned recently are the ones getting ALL OF THE PRESS downtown, so what idiots thought it would be smart to piss them off? Sorry, magazines aren't writing about the yucky yuck store that smells like cat pee.......


Sorry Mr. Blogmaster but the name "Besieged Bentley" was too blah for Fred Vegas's own Jason Bourne super secret Boy Scout government assassin and his James Bond sidekick wife, Empress Yowza. Also, as many emails we've read during your absence attest you laid on the cheesecake a little thick..... but in the hands of the FAIRER SEX we'll happily turn the tables. We know Mr. & Mrs Rihanna Tapas San Fernando LOVE US and it is always best to stay on their good side...but the Bournes????...who the hell knows what those super secret agents think.....but Mr Blogmaster now it's time for the beefcake to feel the spotlight (PS keep sending in your noms for our contest!!!).


So we hear from our army of spies that it's outright chaos on William and Caroline Streets.....citizens are lawless ...even the mayor is involved and we hear a psycho is terrorizing the poor group (typical), thus bringing our half humanoid/half android hero Jason "Bentley" Bourne into action...... We don't know what "signal" causes our Fred Vegas Manchurian Candidate to "launch" but we understand it happened recently and he was gone for a few days. We assume he was acting on our government's behalf to bring order and stability to Pakistan????......he single handedly wiped out an advancing Taliban army.....Perhaps Empress Yowza had bullets coming out of her warrior bra (that little bit of misogyny is a nod to our beloved Blogmaster whose eyes go starry at the mention of her or Mrs. Rihanna's name).....maybe Mrs. Rihanna Tapas is a deputy and she melts people with her powerful eyes...while Mr. Rihanna sits on them???....the X Men have nothing on these people...


Don't Fu$&%K with our Jason. He may look like an Abercrombie & Fitch Boy Scout android who doesn't smoke or drink but he will cut out your heart and feed it to your dog while your children watch, at least that's we understand from Taliban rebels who emailed us still terrified. He's like Kaiser Soze from The Usual Suspects (remember the header Fred Vegas as a movie?). SO F-N COVERT...but we know...next thing you know he visits Phil in his underground bunker to give him job tips.


Even though people cackled about Jason running the show since he was NOT a good match by any measure (like Frank Sinatra running a honky tonk at a rest home), now this annoying downtown group is in disarray and no one knows which obsolete embittered lunatic is responsible for the latest round of nonsense. YAWN, what's new? They better hope Jason and his wife never find out who's responsible. That person (or persons???) will be "disappeared" faster than you can say Pinochet. Yo Tubby McNugget better look out!!!! But we think this may help Jason in his mayoral bid. As we said on our list, people like Jason and "Pete Lawrence" have a built in followings and would make formidable candidates. But what about Mrs. Rihanna? Can they run a dual ticket??? Jason is better off without this group of dementia and dentures catty bitc-s anyway. We assume a casting call has gone out for a new leader, someone extremely old and crazy and perhaps with an obsolete business?



After his latest assassination mission he returned to bucolic Fred Vegas. Witnesses report he is tanner (it's hot in Pakistan), leaner (he does Abercrombie proud...or is it opium???) and keeping his assassination profile low until his magic Manchurian sensor sounds again.....Better stay on his good side. After he slays people he cuts off their head, shrinks it, and the wife wears it as glamorous jewelry. .....We know, we can predict the emails now.....How do we KNOW he's a secret Manchurian Candidate assassin?


EXHIBIT A. We've referenced "business in The Family" before....there are lots o' foreign peeps in the hood....We've all heard the reports of the Russian types with scary dogs who hang outside his store late at night moving things in and out into trucks with New York license plates. They all wear headpieces (and no they are not ipods!)....also the Asian mafia types who look like extras from Fast and Furious.....always with late night deliveries. None of these people seem to realize that people do actually LIVE downtown and that they might think these groups of people look strange on Caroline Street.

EXHIBIT B. Where do they get their money? Opium seized from the Taliban? How do they afford their new SECRET dream house???? .....How many people in this town rent from these androids....yo they own shopping malls yo.....but you sure as F wouldn't know....Jason and his wife are very mysterious and seem to be gone for weeks at a time.....how can they run a business like that? They have an army of Abercrombie..J Crew androids to watch the shop while they're gone. .....Or is it just a shell company for the Manchurian Candidate's gang of assassins? Ever notice when you see Jason and his wife out they are with FOREIGN people or even worse, people from New York (soo tired of the Yankee sh-theads here!)...very rarely someone from 'round these parts....they might get to know too much????


EXHIBIT C. And speaking of those little androids watching the shop.... we KNOW from a former employee "Julie" that everyone has to sign a crazy Confidentiality Agreement (oohhh how fancy in our little town.....violation is punishable by death) and she bragged about having dealt with Julia Roberts and Oprah's "people" among others. ...big f'n deal...... Hmm...is Oprah in on this covert assassination thing? Don't worry 'bout our girl "Julie" she is in Africa safe from Jason's wrath...or is she....? But seriously if you are that crazy about protecting your clients its NO FUN for us here in Fred Vegas. WE WANT THE DIRT!!! Ha ha poor Jason now everyone knows...!!!! Seriously this kid is like 25 and we hear from people that he talks like he is 55. When he talks to you have a thesaurus handy because people don't know what the F he's talking about cause he's in a diff world. THAT IS PROOF HE IS AN ANDROID, in "Annie's" words they mixed up the brain with the body. ....maybe he forgets which language to speak???


EXHIBIT D: Jason and his wife rule by TERROR. Everyone in town is running scared from them and for what???!! Are you kidding Mr. Charisma really cares if this kid resigns? THAT IS POWER. And even Mr. and Mrs. Kybecca pay heed to Jason & Empress Yowza, which is saying something 'cause those two don't take smack from NOBODY. We hear from "Sarah" and "Dawn" at the FLS (through a third party who knows a certain closet case mentioned in the Blind Item quiz) that Queen of Mean Type A Anal Martha Stewart attended a party in their honor in New York..... They bussed people up from Fred Vegas if you can believe it. WTF!!!!! DO YOU SEE A CONNECTION??? Crazy androids who rule by terror stick together. The Silver Companies, Donald Trump Leona Helmsley and all of those 1980s a-holes.


God bless Jason. He is a feast for the eyes for some Fred Vegas chicks because they think they can "tame" him. We all like to think we can tame the wild rogue ranger....but oh well....But beware 'cause that kid is deadly, and Empress Yowza can throw down 'sho 'nuff. This downtown group will be sorry once Jason is finished with his acts of vengeance. Stay tuned to see who is "disappeared" next.....where is Tubby anyway? Hmmmmm......

PS......Jason, you NEED TO RELAX. CALM THE F DOWN. We kid you out of love NOT out of spite!!!! Seriously if you don't take a major chill pill you will have a serious stroke. You can't assassinate people when you're stuck in a wheelchair...or...maybe YOU can.....

Consider this a big wet kiss....SMACK!!..stop wearing holes in your shoes interrogating people downtown!!!! Stay far away from Mr. Charisma.....R-E-L-A-X!!!